How to Be Honest Without Hurting Others.
I keep hearing something everywhere: in my coaching practice, the teams I coach, and even my family relationships. It’s that scary phrase, “I need to be honest with you.” As soon as we hear this, our bodies tense up. We brace ourselves, preparing for a blow; somehow, we just know we are about to be hurt. Maybe that’s why many relationships are based on half-truths. In fact, DePaulo’s research showed that dating couples lie to each other about a third of the time, while married couples do so in about one in 10 interactions.
But why is that? Why does honesty—something we are taught to value—so often feel like an attack? As a coach, I’ve noticed that people often confuse honesty with transparency, which can create unnecessary pain.
Why Does Honesty Hurt?
When someone says, “I need to be (brutally) honest,” they’re often unloading their unfiltered truth without considering the impact it may have. At its core, honesty is about stating the facts—what we believe to be true (note that what we believe is often based not on facts but on our perception of them). So, when truth is delivered without care, it can feel like a weapon.
From a biological perspective, hearing criticism triggers a primal fear response. When someone delivers harsh feedback, especially without warmth or empathy, it can feel like a threat. Our bodies react like we are in danger—heart rates rise, stress hormones flood our systems, and we prepare to defend ourselves by fighting back, freezing, or withdrawing. This “fight-or-flight” response is deeply ingrained in us because, historically, rejection from a group could mean the difference between life and death.
So, while honesty is necessary to build a strong foundation in our relationships when done the wrong way, it triggers that fear of rejection, leaving the person feeling unsupported and alone. This isn’t just a social discomfort; it’s a primal reaction rooted in survival.
The Solution: Caring Transparency
Understanding the difference between honesty and transparency is the key to avoiding this harmful dynamic.
Honesty focuses on facts—what we know to be true.
Transparency adds an emotional layer. It means sharing what you think, why you believe it, and how you feel about it.
It’s about:
Revealing your intentions.
Considering how the other person might receive your message.
In the workplace or personal relationships, being “brutally honest” might feel like you are doing someone a favor by sparing them sugarcoating or false reassurance. But in reality, what you’re saying is, “I’m too lazy to stop and think about the best way to tell you this, so I’ll just say it as I see it so I can take it off my chest and move on to the next thing because I’m too busy for this.” It’s harsh and selfish.
There’s a better way. It’s about being transparent—considering the other person’s humanity (emotions, concerns, qualities) before delivering the message.
At Work ———————————————————————————————
Let’s take a simple example. Imagine you have a colleague who consistently misses deadlines. Honesty might sound like:
“You’re always late with your work, becoming a problem.” This statement is vague, harsh, accusatory, and doesn’t consider how the other person might feel upon hearing it. It doesn’t invite a solution, just blame.
Transparency, on the other hand, might sound like:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling to meet deadlines lately (observation), and I want to check in because I know how much you care about your work (appreciation). I’m concerned that this pattern could hurt your progress, and I want to figure out how we can support you (caring).”
This type of communication considers the receiver’s context and invites collaboration to co-create a solution.
At Home ——————————————————————————————————————-
Imagine your partner arriving home late and continuing to work once they get home.
Honesty might sound like:
“You’re late again! I had to pick up the kids when it was your turn to make dinner, and now that you’re here, you can’t even play with them for a while? What kind of father are you?”
Transparency might sound like:
"Lately, I’ve noticed that you haven’t been able to follow through on our family schedule, and I can see you’re dealing with a lot in the evenings. I want to be honest—it’s starting to feel overwhelming for me, and I think the kids are feeling it, too. I miss spending time together as a family, and it’s been hard to manage everything on my own. Could we sit down and talk about what’s going on? Maybe we can figure out how to adjust things to work better for both of us."
Both are truthful, but transparency acknowledges the human side of the conversation. It shows care and empathy, making feedback more likely to be heard without triggering that defensive, primal response.
Real-Life Benefits of Transparency Over Brutal Honesty
By being transparent, you are being truthful while creating an atmosphere where people feel supported rather than attacked. The benefits of transparency over mere honesty are profound:
Better understanding and trust: Transparency fosters trust because it shows that you are not just delivering feedback to clear your conscience; you’re invested in the other person’s growth and well-being.
Deeper connection: When people feel understood and supported, they are more likely to open up and engage in meaningful conversations, leading to stronger relationships—at work or home.
Productive problem-solving: Transparent communication allows for collaboration. Instead of feeling cornered and blamed, the receiver feels invited into a dialogue where their experience and wisdom are considered to help move forward and grow.
Emotional safety: When you acknowledge someone’s humanity in your communication, they feel safe enough to stay, participate, make mistakes, and grow without judgment—essential for personal and professional development.
Conclusion: Reflecting on Your Communication
As you go in your personal and professional life, I invite you to reflect on this question: When I’m being honest, am I also being transparent?
Next time, you need to be “brutally honest,” pause momentarily. Could you instead be compassionately transparent? This simple shift can transform difficult conversations from moments of tension to opportunities for deeper connection and growth.
Remember, it’s not just about what you say—how you say it.
Here’s a chart that highlights the key differences between honesty and transparency.
