How to Deal with Post-Conflict Anxiety.
You just had a conflict with a coworker, boss, partner, or maybe a friend, and now you’re left with a lingering sense of anxiety. You go home, hoping that distraction or time will lessen the discomfort, but the unease lingers, making sleep elusive and churning in your mind all the things you wish you’d said—or wish you hadn’t. You find yourself revisiting the moment over and over, playing out alternative scenarios, feeling torn between staying silent and speaking out.
If this feels familiar, know that you’re not alone. Conflict has a way of dredging up complex feelings, and when these feelings aren’t resolved, they create a kind of mental storm that keeps us spinning. So why does this happen, and what can we do about it?
The truth is, peace and real resolution don’t come from ignoring those feelings. They come from acknowledging the different parts of you that got triggered and giving them a voice.
That’s why today, I want to share with you a powerful exercise I use with my clients to work through the anxiety that often follows conflict. This approach is rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS), a concept that helps us understand the “parts” of ourselves that show up in moments of stress, anger, or worry. Think of it as if each part is a distinct voice inside, each one with its own perspective and way of trying to protect you.
Understanding the Parts Behind Your Anxiety
Let’s break down what’s likely happening inside you after a conflict. It’s not just “anxiety” you’re feeling; it’s actually a few different parts of yourself trying to be heard:
The Anxious Part: This part is caught up in what happened and keeps replaying it in your mind. It’s likely saying, “Why didn’t I say this?” or “I wish I’d just kept quiet.” This part wants to be heard because it’s trying to understand what happened and keep you safe from future situations like this one.
The Protector Part: This is the part of you that’s uncomfortable with confrontation or with the idea of bringing up the conflict again. It’s the one that might make you want to keep quiet to avoid further pain or embarrassment.
The Angry Part: This part is fed up and doesn’t want to hold back anymore. It has things it wanted to say, and it’s pushing all those “what if” scenarios in your head, adding to the tension.
When these parts aren’t in sync, it can create inner conflict, leaving you feeling more emotionally exhausted than ever. But if we try to just shut them down or distract ourselves, it’s like ignoring a child having a tantrum. Often, when a child is upset, they calm down more quickly when we simply acknowledge them with something like, “I see you’re really upset.” They feel seen and heard, and that alone can help them calm down. Our inner parts work in a similar way; they don’t need to be “fixed” but just acknowledged. Once you let them be seen, that’s when true peace can start to settle in.
Step One: Recognize and Name Each Part
Start by taking a few deep breaths and checking in with yourself. Notice where in your body you feel the anxiety or tension most strongly. Then, identify each part of you that’s trying to be heard.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling most strongly right now? Is it anxiety, anger, frustration, or something else?
Where am I feeling it in my body?
What does this part need from me right now?
This simple practice of naming each part of what you’re feeling helps give them space, like a calming acknowledgment. Instead of adding to your stress by trying to distract yourself or push the feeling away, you’re creating space for the feeling to exist.
Step Two: Give the Angry Part a Healthy Outlet
The next step is giving the angry part a way to be heard. Often, this part just wants to say its piece without fear of judgment or consequence. Here’s an exercise to give it that freedom:
Write a Letter (That You’ll Never Send): Set aside 10-15 minutes to write a letter to the person you were in conflict with. Let the angry part say everything it needs to, without holding back. You’re not going to send this letter, so don’t worry about filtering yourself. Just let the words flow as they come.
Notice Where You Feel the Anger in Your Body: While you’re writing, notice if there’s a specific area in your body where you feel the anger most strongly. Take a moment to ask that part, “What do you need?” Sometimes just acknowledging where you feel it physically can release some of the tension.
Destroy the Letter: When you’re finished, read it over if you want, but the key step is to destroy it. Rip it up, burn it (safely), or delete it from your screen. This act of release is a way of letting that part have its say and then letting it go.
Step Three: Practice Self-Compassion
Finally, take a moment to come back to yourself. Recognize that it’s completely normal to feel a swirl of emotions after a conflict and that each part is there to protect you in its own way. Practicing self-compassion isn’t about “solving” the problem or beating yourself up for feeling triggered; it’s about allowing yourself to be human.
Try repeating something simple like:
“I am allowed to feel what I’m feeling.”
“Each part of me is here for a reason.”
“I don’t need to fix this right now—I just need to feel it.”
These statements help ground you and remind you that it’s okay to have conflicting emotions. With practice, you’ll get better at understanding and calming each part, giving yourself the peace and clarity you need to move forward.
Moving Forward
Conflict will always bring up emotions—it’s part of being human. But by recognizing the different parts within us, we can learn to work with our feelings instead of being controlled by them. So next time you’re caught in a storm of post-conflict anxiety, remember: it’s okay to have these parts, and you have the tools to listen, process, and find your peace.
Next time you feel anxiety after a conflict, try this exercise and let me know how it went!
